Sell it up the street, I ain’t buyin’!
I am not a sales person. I also do not enjoy sales people. In fact, I think that it is a fair assumption to say that I loathe and despise the average sales person, specifically the ones that appear unannounced at my office door peddling discount packages to things like Domino’s Pizza with hackneyed and uninspired lines like, “…now think about how much you spend on pizza per month, because I know with this fabulous new package you will REDUCE that amount by…a percentage!!” Note: we do not spend very much money on pizza per month. And even if we did, he was such a smarmy and irritating little man that in the future I don’t think I will order from Domino’s, just on principle.
Not all sales people are bad, and I understand that, despite having just come out of a meeting with a malignant tumor of a man who completely disregarded all of my concerns and requests, and instead tried to sell me on the insurance package that I specifically told him we did not want. Jerk. Insurance selling jerk. JERKINGTON McSELLSSOMECRAP. That’s what he was. Wait, wait – this does relate to food, just bear with me for a minute and keep reading…please….
I hate sales people because I don’t like being told what I should and should not like. I don’t like being managed and convinced. I would much rather try something out on my own, come to my own conclusions, and take action accordingly. This is especially salient if the product is mediocre to begin with, and I have to make the choice between which is better: beige or tan. For this reason, I take particular umbrage when I’m watching Food tv and the celebrity chef is making, say, A HAM SANDWICH and goes on and on…and on and on….about how this is the BEST ham sandwich, and EVERYONE LOVES IT, and YOU WILL TOO, and you MUST try it this week. Then there is the horrible lip-smacking display as the chef counterfeits a great deal of relish and delight with a gigantor bite of that awful sandwich. You see, I saw the sandwich being made. It didn’t look that good. Trying to convince me that it is magnificent is just reaching for the stars. I just don’t like being sold on food….or anything else…..especially if it’s not good.
So here we go. Henceforth and heretowith, I make you my most solemn vow:
1. I will only endorse food, products, and other miscellany that I absolutely and wholeheartedly believe in. No lies, blue eyes!
2. I will do my damnedest not to sell you on any of the aforementioned items….and if I do it is unintentional and I apologize in advance….okay, #2 is a bit half-assed….
3. I will never demonstrate how to make a ham sandwich.