Chillin’ like a Villain
Damn, man. Damn. It has been absolutely one seriously goddamned long-ass day bein’ a bad motherfucker. Sometimes I honestly wonder whether anyone realizes just what kind of effort it takes to motherfuck on the scale of badness that I achieve. I show dedication, commitment, and a passion for my work.
Observe, for example, my triceps. Do they not frighten you? Are you not more intimidated by their size and terrifying scope? Would you not, upon seeing them, conclude that I am a bad, bad mofo?
Clearly. And that is why I have yet to hear anything but clear, unwavering support for my new favorite cocktail: Chillin’ Like A Villain.
Like all seriously dangerous motherfuckers, I get my copy of Martha Stewart Living as soon as it arrives at the grocery store. Subscriptions are for the poor, fool. Fifteen percent savings off of the regular news-stand price mean nothing to a man who can crush the store clerk’s head between his forearm and bicep, as I demonstrate on a regular basis. I require the freshest and newest cooking ideas at my own convenience.
Martha, a well known colleague of mine in bad-motherfucking, has moved on from tequila that tastes like fire and pain. She has discovered something new and obviously crafted for people on our level — tequila that tastes like chocolate and blueberries, as well as fire and pain. Imagine if you were trapped inside of a Pot of Gold box that someone threw into a furnace: That is what Sauza Acai tastes like.
It is fucking great. But as we all know, without street cred it is nothing. Therefore, to properly enjoy this fine, motherfucking beverage, the following preparation is required:
- Take a “rock” or tumbler glass.
- To it, add 1 and 1/2 ounces of Sauza Acai.
- To that, for bad-assedness and in remembrance of your home-persons of all description, add an additional 1/2 ounce of Jack Daniels. Substituting other bourbon may cost you your life.
- Finally, add ice, to represent your frosty coolness.
- Do not garnish. Ice is your garnish. Anything else, and you are a weak man pleading for attention.