Satanic review: Great Lakes Brewery Devil’s Pale Ale
Behold me and DESPAIR! For I am the KING OF LIES, the GREAT DECEIVER! I am the BEAST, the TERROR, the GREAT ADVERSARY!
Yes, it is I, SATAN! There is no greater EVIL, no more complete MALICE, no more total HATRED than that which I embody! From the beginning of time I have sought to UNDO MANKIND, and I shall continue to do so until the END OF TIME ITSELF!
I see you trembling in FEAR, and right that you do! You cannot comprehend my TERRIBLE WORKS, the unceasing schemes I weave to undo the world of man and descend you all into the bleakness of TOTAL AND ETERNAL HELL!
I– wait, what is this? NO! I was not referring to CORNWALL, ONTARIO! The water in Hell is SLIGHTLY MORE SULPHURIC than it is in Cornwall! And while I can sympathize with the mix-up you shall BURN FOR ETERNITY FOR YOUR IMPUDENCE!
Though yea, even though you were understandably confused between HELL ETERNAL and HELL ON EARTH PLACE, you have blundered dangerously close to the home of my latest GUT-WRENCHING PLAN! Could it be that your puny human mind might have some hint of the MORTAL DANGER that awaits you?!
No, I see by the DIM CONFUSION in your eyes that you have no idea… which will make my showing you ALL THE MORE UPSETTING!
See how I have turned the weak-willed fools at Great Lakes Brewery to my WILL! I have perverted their efforts in CANADA’S PUREST INDUSTRY to MY DESIGN! See how they carefully brew an ale, using 666 kilograms of malt and 6.66 kilograms of hops, boiling them for 66.6 minutes to produce a 6.6% alcohol beverage! Imagine how that TICKLES MY FANCY, even if 666 doesn’t NECESSARILY HAVE MUCH TO DO WITH ME!
Soon my DIABOLICAL RECIPE will ensnare mortal man in MY WEB, and cause him to abandon God in worship of ME (VIA BEER)! Yes! YES! Come, human! You and I shall be the first to crack these babies open and SAMPLE OF MY WICKED BREW!
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaaaaggghhcckkkkkk— *cough cough*
Whew, that’s really QUITE UNPLEASANT, isn’t it, mortal? I wasn’t expecting the flavor to be quite SO HOPPY. Yes, I realize that 6.66 kilograms is RATHER A LOT, but I didn’t quite… I just… egggghhcckkk. It just SITS RIGHT ON THE TONGUE and doesn’t GO AWAY, I’ll say that.
Did you know that these tallboy cans cost me TWO TWENTY-FIVE EACH? It hardly seems fair, really. For that amount I could have gotten a pint of SOMETHING THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME ILL.
Which, uh… yes, which is PRECISELY THE POINT! Yes! YES! Is there anything that does not POLLUTE THE SOUL quite like MILD DISAPPOINTMENT? You may shrug and think it forgettable, but it is PEEVISHNESS of just the sort that shitty beer provokes that can ruin Sunday football games, spoil BBQs and ultimately TEAR LIVES ASUNDER!
Indeed, ask you now what your TWO AND A QUARTER DOLLARS buys you, mortal! It purchases YOUR TOTAL DESTRUCTION!