THIS SNACK SUCKS: Doritos Collisions – Hot Wings & Blue Cheese

I’m going to be honest with you:  Tina feeds me well.  Insanely well.  Unfairly well.

When I take our leftovers to work the next day as lunches, I have a small following of fellow office workers who trail me from the microwave to my desk, sniffing anxiously.  At first I felt really self-conscious about it, seeing the gopher-heads pop up over desks as I passed by, wondering if perhaps I had committed yet another dress code violation.  Isn’t it a jeans day on Fridays? I would wonder, or For God’s sake it’s not my fault – the roads are really slushy and I just couldn’t get all the splashes off my pants.

But eventually it became clear, and now I’m used to it.  This is how it would start:

“So, wow, your lunch smells really good.  What is that?”

“Uh, well, it’s Middle Eastern something.  These green things here are… vine leaves?  I think?  I don’t know, I just know it’s really good.”

“Yeah, it smells like it.  Did you make that yourself?”

“Oh!  And I know this is yogurt!  …what?  No!  No, my girlfriend– Tina, Tina made it for me.  I think she’s pretty much committed to making me fat.”

“Ha!  If I had lunches like that every day, I’d be fat too!”

“Ha ha ha!”

I knew these pants were too tight.

Of course, now that I’ve been at the new job for a little while, it goes more like this:

“What’s for lunch today?”

“Uh!  It’s got pork in it, and this is cabbage.”

“You don’t deserve her.”

It is hard to disagree.  

It’s also hard to keep up, gastronomically.  I can’t really contribute with creative food, because even the attempt of that would be so pathetically sad that we would both laugh and laugh, and then cry a little, and then she’d whip up some kind of spectacular dessert spontaneously just to chase the blues away.  In truth my only expeditions into the kitchen these days are either to the liquor cabinet, or else to empty the dishwasher and scrub the floor.  I don’t mind, especially:  Every rock star needs her roadie; every concert hall needs the guy who mops up the spit from the brass section.  If I ever feel bad about myself, I just go open the fridge and grab some fabulous food I’ve only eaten once before, and it all falls into place.

But once in a while, I am able to step up in those few areas where I’m a viking.  And chief among those, outside of novelty liquors, is snacks.  I will buy bags of things flavored like other things, I will dance through the bulk food store like Homer Simpson in the Land of Chocolate, I will sample freely from the antipasto bar at the grocery store because I know half of it is coming home with me.  It’s how I roll, it’s what I do, and it’s better to be a small cog in the machine than nothing at all.

So!  You can imagine my towering fury and sense of total betrayal when one of my snack experiments goes wrong.  I take a risk, I buy into an allegedly innovative junk food concept, I lay it on the line to please my woman with nutritionally-bankrupt food, and I get disappointment in return?  Am I simply expected to let this stand?  Is there no recourse that I can take? No, no there isn’t.  I can watch my stock tank with my lady-love, and expect slightly more resistance the next time I ask her to eat ruffled chips that taste like horseradish.  

But I have this website, and I have you — so at the very least I can help others avoid the mistakes I’ve made, and inflicted upon those I care about.  And with that in mind, I bring you:

THIS SNACK SUCKS: Doritos Collisions Hot Wings & Blue Cheese

 Imagine you’re sitting watching television one night, and you catch a glimpse of this:

Kind of funny, right?  Hot wings are these obnoxious cowboys who all say, “Hyuck!” when they laugh at effete Frenchmen who think it’s a good idea to bring a poodle and a mime to a fight. Because they’re contrasting flavors, get it!  Two great big bold tastes that actually do go great together, and you totally enjoy them when they’re actual chicken wings and actual blue cheese dip. How bad could it be if someone subjected those two things to incredibly high heat, reduced them to powder and then spread them on some Doritos?

I know, you’re thinking, “Actually Mike, pretty bad.  Pretty bad and I don’t know why you’re asking me this question,” but bear with me.  Possibly the only two flavors that Doritos has ever managed to successfully do are Spicy and Ranch, which is more or less the same as Hot Wings and Blue Cheese, if we’re being honest with each other.  If they happen to make the Spicy more-so and the Ranch less onion-y, you’re basically where this bag of chips should be.

The concept of putting both in the same bag sounds gross at first, but it’s a little bit inspired.  Assuming you aren’t deliberately selective, the odds of you only ever getting Spicy chips is relatively low — eventually you’ll stray across one of the ranch ones, and that will replace heat with the salty-cheesy flavor for a little bit.  It’s like when you’re at a particularly low-budget party where the only thing to eat is chips, and the host just keeps pouring different flavors on top of each other until you have no idea what you’re getting into — will it be salt and vinegar, or is that just low-salt?  And was it just touching a sour cream ‘n’ onion?  Does this chip suffer from a terrible wound, or did it touch a ketchup one?  

My point is that there’s a little enjoyable randomness to the whole affair, and when you combine that with two hefty but complementary flavors, this should be as much fun as you can get out of a bag of chips.

battleinabag

Well, it turns out that while I can’t actually measure how much fun you could get out of a bag of chips, I can definitely tell you this is going to fall far, far short of the goal.  Despite the delightful conflict between American and European stereotypes, notwithstanding the concept of a chicken wing dinner in a bag, and beside the kind of funny ad, I cannot in any way recommend you bothering to try these out.

This is for three key reasons:

  1. The Hot Wing flavor is not hot.
  2. The Blue Cheese flavor is not cheesy.
  3. 95% of the bag does not taste like either of these flavors, and instead tastes like those Doritos at the bottom of the bag that never got any of the flavor dust to begin with.

It would be one thing if we opened the bag and found our eyes running from intensely over-flavored chips that caused us to question the existence of a just God.  Lord knows that there have been enough of those occasions, and I have to tell you — after a while you get accustomed to intensity, and then you just wonder why all chips don’t taste like a punch in the mouth.  I would go so far as to say that Salt & Vinegar enthusiasts have known this longer than anyone.

Doritos Collisions delivers almost exactly the opposite experience.  Within seconds, you realize that you are ripping into nothing but yet another bag of Doritos, except that every now and again you get one that maybe tastes a little off.  Not piquante, particularly; not cheesy, per se.  Just not entirely like the other chips, and so you dig onwards into the bag, hoping to find some semblance of the flavor that might spur cowboys with rubber chickens and Frenchmen with lapdogs to do battle in a desert.

But it’s not there!  You never find it, no matter how hard you look, and no matter how many of these stupid bland half-flavored chips you eat.  You can go through an entire bag, looking vaguely disappointed and waiting for the fun flavors to happen, and all the while Bob Dorito, head of the Doritos Empire, is laughing all the way to the bank.  And I don’t say that lightly, because these just happen to be a full dollar more per bag than regular Doritos — 25% more money for 95% less happiness.

Well, I hope Bob Dorito enjoys his ill-gotten gains, because they’re the last he’s getting from me for a while:  You let me down, Doritos Collisions Hot Wings & Blue Cheese.  You let me down and I cannot forgive it.  It is only too easy to say,

DORITOS COLLISIONS HOT WINGS & BLUE CHEESE SUCKS.

  • http://www.amomentofweakness.blogspot.com Tara

    I’ve noticed with Salt and Vinegar chips (in particular Lays S&V), that the sides and roof of my mouth tend to….kinda molt the day after I’ve eaten them.

    That, my friend, is a good chip!

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      Yes, exactly. I like to think that the value of a chip can be measured purely by the physical damage it inflicts on you. Let’s leave subtlety to the gourmets.

      • http://thespitefulchef.blogspot.com kristie

        I don’t like the Lay’s ones. They’re not as assertive as many other ones. But my mouth does slough a layer after eating enough of them.

        • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Tina

          Salt and vinegar are my favorite as well. To be honest, I like the searing pain in my mouth after eating a handful of them, because it’s the ONLY THING that makes me (eventually) put down the bag. See? Chips that care about your body image. Thanks, S&V!

  • http://www.eatingclubvancouver.com _ts of [eatingclub] vancouver

    Oh, I think it’s a good idea to have 2 different flavors in one bag (complementary, of course). But, from what you say, it seems they didn’t do it right. What’s so hard about putting 2 different flavored chips in one bag, I wonder!

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      I don’t know, but let me ask an even more basic question: What is so hard with getting flavor onto your chips to begin with, Doritos?

      How can I get, in the same bag, chips that are so saturated with chemical flavor-powder that I need physiotherapy after I eat them, and others that have nothing on them at all?

      Are chips at your factory tossed in the air like skeet, and shot at with flavor-dust guns?

      Why is that the most practical example I can think of to explain this?

      I HAVE MANY QUESTIONS RELATED TO THIS.

  • http://www.noblepig.com/ noble pig

    I haven’t even seen these yet. Thanks for the heads up as i clearly would have bought them.

  • http://thespitefulchef.blogspot.com kristie

    When I started reading this, I was going to start listing my favorite flavors of Doritos. I would never buy this bag, since the notion of blue cheese is enough to put me off my rations for the day, but there are some good’uns.

    1. Blazin’ Buffalo Ranch. OMFG.
    2.Those sweet and spicy chili ones that Stephen Colbert was pimping for a while
    3. Spicy Nacho
    4. Cool Ranch (though I would argue they never have enough “flavor dust” either
    5. Salsa Verde

    Why anyone would eat nacho when they can have spicy nacho is beyond me. And I almost always refuse to eat fake cheese.

    As for salt and vinegar chips, well…they make my heart go pitter patter. I love them.

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      That’s how I know you’re a good person, because of your love of the salt & vinegar. Lays just happen to be the most common, but they are by no means the best. Humpty Dumpty makes my tongue swell in a way that only Tina’s tabouli can match, and there’re others that are even better.

      What makes me sad and a little dead inside is how many flavors are unavailable in Canada, thanks to our “food standards” and “public safety” concerns. But I’m sure those sound good.

  • Taryn

    Since you are in Canada (hi from a Vancouverite in Bermuda!), pop by a Stupidstore and try their President’s Choice buffalo wings chips. No blue cheese business, but these ridged chips are great. They’ve got some other spicy ethnic flavours that are pretty tasty too.

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Tina

      Taryn – Bermuda, you say! We had another 6 cm of snow yesterday, and the piles of snow flanking our driveway are now officially almost 7 feet high. Tell me more about this Bermuda place…..

      I’ve HAD those buffalo wing chips, and they are pretty good! I wasn’t too impressed with the General Tao flavor, but they have a Szechwan chip which is quite nice too….

  • http://foodhappens.blogspot.com lo!

    Waaaah! I hit submit and my comment flew out into the Nethersphere!

    This one isn’t going to be half as good… but the gist of it is that I *totally* miss the days of Doritos that both tasted awesome and gave you the nastiest breath EVER. Ah, nostalgia!!

  • Sunny

    Where have all of the Blue Cheese & Hot Wing Doritos gone?? I LOVE the blue cheese flavor and have searched 5 grocery stores in town and all of the doritos sections have changed and this flavor is gone!! This sucks! I really like them and want them back.

  • David

    I LOVE the blue cheese & Hot Wing Doritos. i can not find them in a store to save my life now. What’s the deal?!?!?!?!?

    • allie’s mom

      LOVE the blue cheese doritos too, but that’s probably because i hate blue cheese everywhere else. (except Pete’s blue cheese french fries downtown LA)

      i’ve called frito lay a gazillion times looking for these chips, and i’m now on a first-name basis with the manager of my local ralph’s grocery store. (i call him by name; he’s secretly thinking “oh, no. it’s that girl looking for the blue cheese doritos again.”)

      i called frito lay again today (9/15/09) “jill” said they were discontinued.

      so sad

      🙁

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  • http://www.emphaticonline.com Alan

    HELL YEA I LOVED THE HOTWING & BLUE CHEESE DORITOS!!!

    Where did they go?!? Now all we have is that Buffalo and Ranch crap and those bags don’t taste like they have any flavor on them at all!!!! For some reason the Hotwing & Blue Cheese had a TON of flavor here in the midwest heartland of America!!! Compaired to the crappy Buffalo and Ranch bag they now only have…

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