The Honest Monkey

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If a picture says a thousand words, well, then an internet comic pours a thousand drinks.  I couldn’t possibly write a better introduction than this:

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(source)

I do love an indignant monkey.  Here we see a monkey who is devoted to truth.  A monkey who has no patience for humor as a compromise for reality.  We have a virtuous monkey, a prideful monkey, a monkey who won’t mince words to save your feelings….we have ourselves an HONEST MONKEY.

The honest monkey tells it like it is and he values the merit of the thought over the outcome.  He only likes movies that are in black and white and he considers failure to be a science he has yet to understand.  The honest monkey only wears plaid between September and February.  He’ll deign to eat mustard if it gets scooped from an earthenware pot with a silver spoon, and yes – he spreads it on baloney sandwiches.  And the honest monkey feels no shame.  He’ll fight you to the death for tying an improper knot on your cravat, and frankly he feels that revenge is a dish best served brown. But more to the point of this article, the honest monkey likes his hooch.  A lot.  It keeps him honest.

Honest Monkey:  “Well madam, I do say I wouldn’t mind another tipple, just a little squirt you see to quench the parch of the morning’s constitutional vine swinging.  And heavens, but yes you do look fat in those pants.

The honest monkey prides himself on the virtues of truth to overcome his lacking social graces.  He says some things that *I* would look agAPE at —

Honest Monkey:  “My dear, but you DO get rather tiresome, don’t you?  As quoth Samuel Johnson, puns really ARE the lowest form of humor, and I’d beg you to please contain yourself lest I show your guests another Johnson which they may find to be somewhat less amusing.”

Sometimes I think the honest monkey is a bit of a jerk.

And so, in honor of simians the world over, I present to you:

The Honest Monkey

Makes 1 gorilla sized drink

  • 1 cup ice by volume (about 5-6 large cubes)
  • 1 whole banana
  • 1 oz dark rum
  • 1/2 oz banana liqueur
  • 1/2 oz Frangelico
  • 1/2 cup chocolate milk

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Why are cocktails so brilliant?  Well, apart from the more obvious reasons, the instructions are so easy to follow…even after you’ve had a few.

Put all of the ingredients into a blender.
– Blend.
– Garnish with a light dusting of cocoa powder and mayhaps a slice of banana, if you’re so inclined.
– Enjoy The Honest Monkey, a cocktail that gentlemen and primates can both enjoy.

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The honest monkey loves this cocktail.

Honest Monkey:  “I said no such thing.”

He’s kidding.  Really, he does.

Honest Monkey:  “Don’t believe that harlot, I’d rather sip from the teats of Jezebel herself than place such an abomination against the fleshy gates of my handsome visage.”

Oh ho ho, that honest monkey.  He certainly does like to joke around, doesn’t he?

(I'll kill you, monkey.  Keep it down in the peanut gallery for god's sake!)
Honest Monkey:  "Technically the 'peanut gallery' would be somewhat more apropos to the circus dwelling African elephant, otherwise known as genus Loxodonta."
Monkey, I SAID SHUT UP!! 

Everyone knows that monkeys love bananas!

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You know, I feel almost dishonest even calling this a cocktail.  In fact, if I were the type of person who enjoyed drinking smoothies, this may actually be enough to inspire me into eating breakfast.  It’s perfectly balanced, and I would go as far as to say that you’re doing something HEALTHY for your body by mixing up one of these!  For a drink that has a base of banana, low fat chocolate milk and a handful of ice (don’t we all need to drink a bit more water?), how can you go wrong?  I mean, this has protein shake written all over it, and you’d be a fool NOT to have one beside your daily Bran Buds.  One out of every four doctors highly recommends this drink as a healthy start to your day.

Honest Monkey:  “LIES!!!  Fatuous lies and venomous promulgations!!!!  A witch by thought if not by name, I’ll see your words spun to smoke afore I concede to such farcical notions or satisfy your deceipt! “

He’s just playing hard to get.  EVERYONE KNOWS THAT MONKEYS LOVE BANANAS.

Honest Monkey:  “….and while we’re at it, your poetry is rubbish the likes of which I’d tremble to use even for lining the intima of my diaper – lest the verminous vernacular transcribes itself on my arse ineffably.”

That makes no sense.  I don’t even write poetry.

Honest Monkey:  “My point EXACTLY, you feckless git.  MY POINT EXACTLY.”

Man, if that monkey doesn’t make you run for the closest cocktail, I don’t know what will.  I feel quite confident that what he really meant to say was, “Eat (bananas), drink (booze) and be merry.”  Because even honest monkeys have a good heart, deep down.  Deep, deep down.

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  • http://www.kalofagas.ca Peter

    I’ll have a shot of that 7 yr. old Havana Club, Honestly! :0 )

  • http://thespitefulchef.blogspot.com kristie

    If I lived at your house, I would weigh 300 pounds and be a rampant alcoholic. This looks libatiously delicious, per usual. There was a similar thing in Jamaica called the “dirty banana,” only instead of rum and frangelico, it had rum cream (like irish cream, only with rum…it’s awesome). Jamaica was a more manageable temperature than Texas right now.

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      That weight is the trajectory I’m on currently, Kristie. The only thing keeping me from physically merging with the furniture is this marathon I signed up for in the fall.

      The alcoholism, well… we’re wayyyyyy through the looking glass on that one already.

  • Nanco

    I used to drink these at the resort – Geoff made them for me. I always ordered triples. I think his were made with 2 shots banana liquer, 2 shots vodka, 2 shots kahlua and white milk. And they were called Drunk Monkey, or Monkey’s Lunch..?
    This should be my new breakfast smoothie. As you mentioned, we all need to drink more water.

  • http://www.activelifecooking.com Stef

    Love it! You know it is always 5pm somewhere 😉