I once had a plague of zucchini,
Who’s progeny wasn’t quite teeny.
They shot out each day,
And despite what you say,
The bastards are making me meanie.

HOW MUCH ZUCCHINI IS ONE GIRL SUPPOSED TO EAT?! I ask you that.  The plant has hijacked my garden.  My sorrowful little sweet peppers, struggling to survive under the massive swells of zucchini foliage, have started to perish one by one.  I tied it the jerk up.  The zucchini winked a yellow flower at me and said, “Ooh, you’re into the rough stuff, cowgirl?”  I panicked and cut it back.  It spat and swore, oozing zucchini pus on every other plant in the garden (purely out of spite, I’d say) before coming out bigger, stronger, and SMARTER than ever before.

I may have unwittingly designed a super race of killer zucchini.  Please lock your doors and hide your kittens when the sun sets tonight.

So what do you do when you’ve got so much zucchini that you’re starting to feel a glaze of targeted produce despondency setting over you?  I say, bake the heck out of it until you have a salty little snack.  Because really, nothing seems THAT bad when you’re cramming your mouth full of vegetable treats, right?

Baked Zucchini Crisps

• 1 mammoth garden sized or 2 regular green zucchini *
• 2 tbsp extra virgin olive oil
• salt **
• freshly ground pepper

* That’s about 1.5 lbs or approximately 700 grams.

** Do you have specialty salts that need to find a home?  This is the perfect way to let them shine.  My cupboard holds not one, not two, but THREE distinct types of smoked salt that I don’t pull out nearly as often as I should. A crunchy fleur de sel would be great sprinkled on as soon as the zucchini crisps come out of the oven, or a smoky-sweet Himalayan pink salt would feel blissfully at home.  However, nothing wrong with good ol’ kosher or sea salt either.  Whatever keeps you humming, I say.

Preheat your oven to 300ºF, and get ready for a long, sloooooow wait.

Slice the zucchini thin (1/16″ thick) using a mandolin or your supa-fine knife skills.

Toss the zucchini well with the oil and a healthy sprinkling of salt and pepper.  I used about 3/4 tsp of smoked gray salt, because I likes me my salty snacks.

Spread the zucchini out in an even layer on 2-3 parchment lined baking sheets.

Bake the zucchini slices in the center of your oven for at least and hour, or up to 90 minutes.  The long, slow, dry bake helps to draw out some of the moisture so they can brown up into crispy deliciousness.  The zucchini are ready when they’re crispy and golden brown most of the way through, with a dry feeling center.

The edges will still be a bit chewy, but that’s not a bad thing.  Crispy AND chewy in one?  I’m sold.

Also:  I’m so glad that today wasn’t Weekly Lazy Television Night, or I probably would have eaten them all myself.  Because, hey, that’s what greedy chubbers do when faced with a bowl full of salty snacks.  As it was, I finished off about half of them before I could be bothered to take a picture.

I just rationalize.  Sure, it’s chewy-crisp zucchini.  But who cares?  It’s  better than Pringles.  Better than Pringles.