Choosy Beggars Monthly Calendar – September

As the fall descends upon us and the summer fades into the past, we at the Choosy Beggars have begun our planning for the change of season.

Join us and share in our early autumn activities, won’t you?

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Week 1:  September 6 – 12

  • Playoff baseball and regular-season football begin; simultaneously, the new hour-long television drama season begins.  Check to make sure that your police, ambulance and marriage counselor’s numbers are up-to-date and posted in an easy-to-find location.
  • Prepare weekend snack menus for the transition from summer BBQ-ables to autumn deep-fried and roastables:  baked onion ringsbreaded pickles or jalapeno poppers are a good start.
  • Start your holiday gift-crafting early, and begin transferring your silent film pornography collection from VHS to DVD.

farmer

Week 2: September 13 – 19

  • Cut the deadheads out of the irises that died in June; pull the dead stems out of the daylilies whose last bloom was 40 days ago.  Be sure to wear a hat, gloves and sunglasses to ensure adequate sun protection, and guarantee that neighbors cannot identify which of you neglected your garden so completely.
  • With summer BBQ stock depleted, commence sausage replenishment:  target under-trained teenagers at the grocery store to procure miles of casings at virtually no cost; plumb the depths of your freezer for meat you might have forgotten; do several push-ups to prepare for hours of grinding; research your favorite variety of sausage to prepare.
  • Set aside several hours of your Sunday morning to attend your shitty local farmer’s market; overpay for crappy local produce from yokels who hate you.

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Week 3:  September 20 – 26

  • Brush your cat’s teeth, whether you need to or not; minty-fresh smiling cats are hilarious.
  • Ransack entire garage in order to locate lawn rake, and spend at least half an hour bending the tines back into shape; collect and stack first pile of leaves for the season, jump in it at least once, and be instantly reminded why rolling around in wet leaves is something you abandoned decades ago.
  • Start stashing emergency $20 bills in summer clothing, to surprise and delight yourself 11 months from now.

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Week 4: September 27 – 30

  • Harvest last of the summer fruits and vegetables, notwithstanding their dodginess; stagger under your huge tomato, cherry, zucchini and plum inventory and begin preparations for canning.  Find excuses to visit friends and surreptitiously unload bundles of produce at their homes, under the guise of generosity.
  • Locate local apple orchards, preferably on days not coinciding with school field trips, church group visits or constant drizzling rain.  No, seriously, there are days when none of these happen.
  • Procure several liters of vodka to begin the infusion of Apple Pie Vodka in time for Thanksgiving.
  • Lisa Kustin

    Tough to convince co-workers that I am hard at work on company-related issues as I am continuously bursting into laughter whilst reading your September calendar (who knew that ordering office supplies could be SO much fun)!

  • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Tina

    Lisa – “Staples! Oh, hohoho!!! STAPLES ARE JUST SO – WHEEEEEEEE!!!!” So you know that the better part of this calendar isn’t a joke, right? I don’t know if that makes it funnier, or just…you know…..depressing. Except for the Surprise Free Money that you get in the spring. That just feels awesome.

  • lo

    Oh, dears — you really must move to Wisconsin.
    Farmer’s market is so lovely — with much friendlier yokels 🙂

    Then again, maybe you can drown your sorrows in apple pie vodka. I know I would.