Choosy Beggars Monthly Calendar – October

As the colors turn and the plastic Jack-o-Lanterns start appearing at the drug store, we at the Choosy Beggars have begun our planning for the coming weeks.

Join us and ensure that October doesn’t sneak up, throw a rock at a nearby window to distract you, and then savage you horribly from behind… metaphorically, of course.

cranberries

Week 1: October 4 – 10

  • Set aside an afternoon to rotate out your summer wardrobe and pull your fall/winter clothes out of storage; set aside that same evening to throw a Pity Party while tallying how many of last year’s clothes now squeeze you like a sausage skin.
  • Hallowe’en is on the way!  It’s never too early to formulate the excuses to get out of all the costume parties your spouse/significant other will try to force you into attending.
  • Begin hoarding all the cranberries you can find, to a minimum of 10 lbs.  You never know whether this will be a famine year, and why should someone else’s family enjoy berries if they could be safely tucked in your freezer until next January?

kicking_leaves

Week 2: October 11 – 17

  • Careful, regular raking and bagging of fallen leaves will ensure a healthy lawn in the spring, and give local high school thugs something to kick and spread all over your driveway.  Better your leaves than your retired neighbors — or worse yet, your retired neighbors’ leaves.
  • Canada:  Thanksgiving Monday; America:  Some other holiday, we think, maybe?  Who knows.  Whatever the case, be sure you bring your favorite side dishes to all the turkey dinners you crash.
  • Apple picking is a fun, healthy and rewarding outdoor activity for children.  Unload yours on their grandparents to go do that for an afternoon, while you check if the apple pie vodka is ready yet.

cat_bath

Week 3: October 18 – 24

  • Use the end of the baseball season as a cue for your seasonal errands: to turn and flip your mattress; to replace your furnace and floor register filters; to delete downloaded pornography and replace it with fresh filth; and to use a better reminder for this stuff than a sport you don’t care about.
  • Thoroughly bathe and blow-dry your cats, as a reward for their loyal affection and focused destruction of your personal property.  Record their howling protests to add atmosphere to your house on Hallowe’en.
  • Transform your turkey leftovers into creative, delicious appetizers. Use the opportunity to share with friends, so that you don’t have to eat turkey for the umpteenth friggin’ time this week.

IMG_2466

Week 4: October 25 – 31

  • Buy Hallowe’en candy carefully!  You don’t want to end up with too much stuff the kids will like, or you may have to dig into the personal stash of Kit-Kats and Crispy Crunch mini-bars you picked up for yourself.
  • Food safety is important.  Set aside a full day to lovingly craft dozens of candy and chocolate-covered apples to give this year’s Trick-or-Treaters, so that they can be promptly thrown away by parents educating their children about how some sicko might have put a razor blade in there for all we know.
  • Elaborately-carved Jack o’ Lanterns are a delight to trick-or-treaters and neighbors alike.  Plan to leave yours on the porch for a minimum of eight to ten weeks, to increase curb appeal.