The Mangy Werewolf
It’s odd for Hallowe’en to make a fellow all philosophical, but oddly enough that’s what happens to me at this time of year. All around us, the world starts to change despite our best efforts — and whatever one can say about how much they enjoy the chill in the air, the crisp walks in the apple orchards and the World Series, the truth is that the change in seasons tends to remind us how absolutely puny our control over the world truly is.
Now, this is an argument I’m sure you’ve heard a million times, but… well, take werewolves as an example. I know, I know, werewolf this and lycanthrope that, it’s all you hear in the media these days outside of health care and climate change. But at times in my life I have felt particularly attuned to werewolves, and not just during the conventionally pituitary-intensive periods. Werewolves are the ultimate victims of circumstance, ritually inconvenienced by the passing of time, the changing phases of the moon, and the passing of seasons. Can anyone else truly voice the same complaint about a monthly physical change that inspires the savage, unquenchable urge to kill? I am betting barely one gender out of two, personally.
But in truth, what makes werewolves actually interesting is the thought that deep down, there are probably quite a few of us who wouldn’t mind going totally apeshit gonzo once in a while, only to forget all about it the next morning. And, let’s be honest, monthly is a bit of a conservative schedule for that kind of urge. Is there truly a day that passes when the impulse does not strike us to cast off everything that ties us down, tear up our pants a little, and go scare everyone in the largest nearby urban park we can find?
I think not.
However, let us consider the awkwardness of succumbing to such impulses.
Not only must a person sprout hair from all the least convenient places, but one must actively give in to all the most aggressive impulses available to human nature. While fiction may have you believe that those are only the scratch of a fingernail away from bubbling up to the surface, you may find that you really have to work at figuring out how awful and aggressive you can actually be. But how can you do that, when you’ve got the ten o’clock sales cadence meeting to prepare for? That reporting template doesn’t fill itself out, you know. Unleashing the beast can take some work, or at least a tremendously good excuse — one that will assuage your guilt while permitting you to slip at least a few of your inhibitions.
To that end, we at Choosy Beggars present you with:
The Mangy Werewolf
The Mangy Werewolf seeks to combine the mundane and the extraordinary, to allow you a safe access point to the shedding of all your constraints. It energizes, it offers familiar flavors, and it spikes them with highlights that are entirely outside of your expectations of coffee with booze in it. It is in every way the best means by which you can annihilate your better judgment prior to ever having left the house for the day, guaranteeing that you can terrorize whoever you want without growing more hair than you have to.
The Mangy Werewolf is:
- 1 servings of your favorite instant coffee (judge not until you see how it turns out)
- 1 oz Butter Ripple Schnapps
- 1/2 oz of Jagermeister
- 1/2 oz of white chocolate cream liqueur
- A hint of cinnamon or 5-spice
Boil up the water required for a cup of your favorite instant coffee (for a hilariously expensive option, try the new Starbucks Via offering and let us know what you think) and upon readiness, mix it with the coffee in a French press or similar vessel. The larger container will act to insulate the hot coffee and facilitate mixing.
To this hot mixture, measure out and add your liqueurs, starting with the Butter Ripple. If you’ve never enjoyed Butter Ripple Schnapps before, it’s well worth picking up for its strong flavor — you are unlikely to find anything that so completely captures the flavor of caramel sweetness, with the kick of 18% or so of alcohol content. Add the kick of Jagermeister for minty heat, and the white chocolate cream liqueur for sweet milkiness. With this combination, you shouldn’t even feel the slightest urge to add sugar to the combination; if you do, you have deeper issues than even lycanthropy can address for you.
Stir gently with a cinnamon stick, and sip while still warm. You should be immediately infused with an invigorating physical energy, coupled by a mental torpor that will enable even the most bestial and uncensored of social activities. Tell that pushy lady on the train what you think of her, ravish local villagers with impunity, opt not to tip the barrista at the coffee shop — whatever savagery possesses you, your psyche is now adequately lubricated to permit it.
Warm, civilized coffee tempted by sweet, sticky butter ripple; perfectly respectable while chocolate, lead astray by wild and disreputable Jagermeister. The Mangy Werewolf is that happy corruption of good things with delicious nasty flavors, to help you bring together everything good and bitter, sweet and dreadful, into a single cup.
And nobody will notice that you’re subverting the breakfast table, while you’re at it.
Go on, unleash the beast!