Choosy Beggars Monthly Calendar – February
Week 1: February 1 – 6
- Groundhog Day is here! As a binary holiday, it can go one of two ways: if the groundhog hides in his den, it commemorates lunatic traditions that promise only disappointment; but if he doesn’t see his shadow and he comes out, then it celebrates lunatic traditions that promise only disappointment! Enjoy!
- Are those Christmas lights in your window? That shit isn’t funny any more. C’mon.
- It’s Superbowl week! Are you READY FOR THE DAY WHEN YOU DON’T HAVE TO HEAR ABOUT FOOTBALL ANY MOOOOOOOORE? No? ARE YOU READY FOR JALAPENO POPPERS AND TWO KINDS OF CHILI TO HELP YOU GET THROUUUUGH IIIIIIT! Yeah!
Week 2: February 7 – 13
- Everything in your yard is dead right now: no planting, no mowing, no fertilizing or maintenance required. Take a moment to consider how entirely awesome that is, before you sit down and drink beer.
- Last-minute Valentine gift-giving ideas abound! And not even a single one of them is going to cover up the fact that you left it until this week. You really should have thought ahead.
- It’s the middle of February, it’s miserable outside, there’re people hugging and kissing each other everywhere, and you need a reason to feel good. Throw yourself a Pity Party, and make yourself a cake. You won’t feel better tomorrow, but you’ll feel better now, and that is all that matters.
(image via Jeremy_K)
Week 3: February 14 – 20
- It’s Valentine’s Day! But your cats don’t know that, so when you kick them spitefully away from each other, they’ll assume it’s just arbitrary cruelty instead of specific jealousy.
- The Olympics present a rare opportunity for you, your friends and family to sit around and get fat while hardworking athletes prove your nation’s worth on the international stage. As a gesture of support, eat bread with halloumi cheese baked into it. The Olympic heroes would want you to.
- Do you live anywhere north of the Equator? Then you’re likely to get at least one more vicious winter storm before the end of the month! Why not stock up on nature’s essentials like butter, spices and rum, before combining them into Western Culture’s original energy drink?
Week 4: February 21 – 28
- February often features a Leap Day (also known as an intercalary day) in order to synchronize it with the seasonal calendar. Thank God this isn’t one of those years with the extra day, right? Enough is enough, already.
- Tax time is coming! Now’s the time to start organizing your papers, arranging your receipts, and acting like the fiscally responsible adult who will do right by your famil– HEY MARCH MADNESS STARTS NEXT WEEK!
- With the darkest days of winter behind, there’s just one last chance to really indulge in the rich, delicious foods to keep you from staying in bed all day. And if you can’t be drunk for the entire month, why, at least your ingredients can.