May Day is an excellent chance for you to celebrate one of the most ancient, revered seasonal holidays ever to have been co-opted by Communists. Go ahead and get lumped in with them — your participation on the parent-teacher council will never be more interesting.
Bring the family together by celebrating the festival of Beltane, the counterpart to Samhain (or Hallowe’en) in the fall. Follow tradition by building a giant sacrificial mound to set ablaze, and see whether the guy next door “accidentally” runs over your daylilies with his lawnmower ever again.
And while you’ve got a fire going, why not make the most of it? A delightful BBQ’d Tunisian Lamb Burger will add another continent to your international socialist pagan start to the month.
Week 2: May 9 – 15
Blowing seeds off of dandelion blooms is a simple way to share a moment of pure beauty with your children, while simultaneously dooming your spouse to back-breaking weeding for years to come. That’ll teach him to screw around with the PVR.
Mother’s Day is a rare opportunity to share with your loving parent the feelings that can only be captured in a two-dollar card you bought at the drug store on the way over to her house. Cherish it.
May 16th is Love A Tree day! So go on, get out there and love a tree! But for God’s sake, love a TREE, don’t LOVE a tree: there are limits to what token holidays entitle you to.
Flea and tick season can begin as soon as early spring, so take the precaution of bathing your cats in a solution of anti-parasite and anti-fungal shampoo — the treatment will benefit your pet, the laughter will benefit you. Wet cats are HILARIOUS.
And afterwards, to numb the pain from your dozens of scratches and sweeten the lightheadedness from your blood loss, why not enjoy a healthy Honest Monkey? The bananas will restore your body, even as three kinds of liquor soothe your pain.
Week 4: May 23 – 31
As part of your spring maintenance, shut down, drain and clean your furnace humidifier, and close the furnace humidifier damper on units with central air conditioning. This will allow it to pick up the moisture from the bitter, bitter tears you shed as you perform HVAC maintenance on a beautiful Saturday in May.
Victoria Day (Canada): Reaffirm your approval of global imperialism and self-repression with this annual celebration of Britain’s frumpiest sex maniac. Remember, they don’t call this the May 2-4 weekend because of the date — if you don’t have hazy memories of blowing up something by the end of this weekend, you have not done honor to Her Majesty.
Veteran’s Day (U.S.): More than just a long weekend, Veteran’s Day is your opportunity to pay the proper respect to the men and women who volunteer to serve your country. And while you may choose to do so by mowing your lawn and grilling up some hot dogs, there’s no reason you can’t still be classy about it — mix yourself up a Class Act, salute the flag and enjoy the day.