Welcome to June, the bright dawn of early summer and the start of the sunny season! Exactly NOTHING happens this week, so go on and take your pick of ludicrous, made-up holidays to celebrate: Oscar the Grouch Day, Dinosaur Day, or I Love My Dentist Day. It’s your call, but imagine how fun it would be to combine them all.
This week is your last chance to plant late beets, potatoes, onions, carrots, and other root vegetables your children will fight passionately against ever eating in their whole lives.
So, to hell with them: Make yourself an Apple and Roasted Beet Salad, and then mix a little more of them in with some hearts of palm. If all you lived for was making your kids happy, you’d watch Bakugan every night and eat nothing but grapes. Get a little selfish, why don’t you?
Week 2: June 6 – 12
Sunday June 6th marks the 66th anniversary of the D-Day invasions. Has it already been a year since the last Band of Brothers marathon on the History network? No matter, your wife will enjoy you shouting up the stairs to her about all the totally awesome parts just as much this time as the last five airings.
Those celebrating birthdays in the month of June enjoy the rose as their birth flower, and the pearl as their birthstone. The sissies.
If you do have such misfortune, then chase away such pussy-footedness with good, solid cocktails that put the hair on your chest and the flex in your nuts. Remember, if you’re not a Virgin Surgeon, then you’d better at least be Chillin’ Like a Villain.
Week 3: June 13 – 19
June is national Adopt-a-Cat month, so this is a good time to remind yourself that — when your little furry darling has eaten your lipstick, drank your wine and slashed your leather couch — you’ve done your part for the 6-8 million dogs and cats every year that enter shelters in the United States, of whom approximately 3-4 million are euthanized. Not that you aren’t tempted, sometimes…
Father’s Day is here, and with it an opportunity to once again wonder what it is that your Dad actually does with his time. Does he need a new power tool, or, like… a book maybe? His confusion and patient tolerance when he sees what you got him is all the gift either of you need — him to be reminded his kids will always be just a little bit helpless, and you to know you can still get away with having no idea of your father’s internal life. It’s win-win!
But if the guilt is too much, then you can’t go far wrong with a dead-simple Chocolate Almond Cheesecake. It’ll be the greatest thing you could give him that doesn’t come with a remote control.
Week 4: June 20 – 26
June 24th is UFO day! To commemorate the first official sighting of an unidentified flying object in 1947, be sure to stay up late with your family, telling scary stories of UFO sightings or Men In Black visitations, and discussing in depth the precise moment when The X-Files ruined the fun for everyone.
Summer Solstice: This week marks the point at which the Sun reaches its northernmost point, halting its position in the sky before moving southwards again; literally, from the Latin, sol (sun) and sistere (to stand still). More importantly, it marks the time of year when people quit bitching about how too friggin’ cold it is, and begin moaning about how way too goddamn hot it is.
Baseball fans take note! Almost all of inter-league play in baseball occurs in this month, with 15 of the 18 inter-league games occurring this month. Test the human physical capacity for boredom by trying to watch them all!
Let the Farmer’s Almanac plan your week: Cut Hair to Retard Growth, Mow to Retard Growth, Castrate Farm Animals, Dig Post Holes, Wean, Quit Smoking, Potty Train, Jar Jams/Jellies, Paint, Start Diet to Lose Weight, Host a Party. DO NOT FORGET THE PARTY.
And just before you start your diet to lose weight (but possibly sometime after you’ve castrated your farm animals), make sure that your party is properly stocked with savory, delicious hummus dips… because nothing says “party” like a three-way.