What Not to Drink This Week: One-Act Play About Bros Edition, bro!

Guy #1:  Bro!

Guy #2:  BRO!

Guy #1:  Bro, this is going to be totally awesome, guy.  Like, we are going to be part of the national phenomenon!  BROS ICING BROS, BRO!

Guy #2:  BRO!  Totally. No-one except several thousand others have thought of trying this, bro!  We must seek out our victim with care!

Guy #1:  What about… (pauses in the act of thought)

Guy #2:  Bro?

Guy #1:  …

Guy #2:  Bro?

Guy #1:  …

Guy #2:  Bro?

Guy #1:  …

(several minutes pass in this manner)

Guy #1:  …I am STUMPED, bro!

Guy #2:  Jeez, yeah, me too.

(co-worker enters the coffee area)

Guy #1:  BEHOLD!  Our first victim!

Guy #2:  BEHOLD!  Like, YEAH!

Co-worker:  …excuse me?

Guy #1:  (produces a can of Jack Daniel’s Lemonade Whiskey Beverage and hands it to Co-worker)

YOU JUST GOT ICED, BRO!

Guy #2:  HA HA HA, SWEET!

Co-worker:  …what the hell?  Who are you guys?

Guy #1:  Dude!  ICED!  It’s totally a bro thing between bros, guy!  See, the rule is that when a bro slams you with a Smirnoff Ice–

Guy #2:  JUST LIKE YOU GOT, YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

Guy #1:  –then you gotta take a knee and chug this whole thing!

Guy #2:  And if you don’t then you’re no longer a BRO and we will SHUN YOU!

Guy #1:  And if you do then you’re a wuss, because it’s a drink for chicks then that totally makes you a GAY!

Co-worker:  This is ridiculous.  First of all, it’s nine-thirty in the morning.  Second, I can’t think of anything I’d want more from life than you shunning me.  And finally, do you guys even work here?  Since when could anyone wear flip-flops to the office?

Guy #2:  Sounds like something a GAY would say, bro!

Co-worker:  Please stop saying that.

Guy #1:  What, “bro”?  Does that sicken you?  Because you’re totally not acting like one right now, GAY BRO?

Co-worker:  No, please stop calling me “a gay.”  I find it offensive, and a little confusing.

Guy #2:  WHOA!

Guy #1:  WHOAAA!  Not cool!  SO not cool!

Guy #2: Bro, this dude just said the words “a gay” in the workplace, bro!  And implied that he’s offended by the thought of bros lovin’ on other bros, bro!

Guy #1:  Seriously not a cool thing to say to the two TOTALLY AWESOMEST HUMAN RESOURCES INTERNS of the summer of 2010, bro!  I– I think I feel our workplace turning toxic, bro!

Guy #2:  I don’t know if I feel entirely safe coming to work any more, bro!  Do you recall the online e-learning training module your Mom made us do when we got here this morning, bro?  Something about being morally obligated to report any incidents of harassment?

Co-worker:  Fine, FINE!  What do I have to do?

Guy #1:  DUDE!  Guy, I knew you were a bro, bro.  Take a knee and chug!  CHUG IT ALL DOWN!

(hands him the can)

Co-worker:  (reluctantly takes a knee) Wait a second, you said Smirnoff Ice.  This is Jack Daniels in a can, mixed with lemonade.  The word “ice” doesn’t even appear on it anywhere.

Guy #2:  Bro.  It’s, like, first thing in the morning.  It’s not like we had a wide selection to choose from, guy.

Guy #1:  Besides, dude, if we used Smirnoff Ice then you may have SEEN IT COMING!  This way, BAM!  TOTAL STEALTH!

Co-worker:  But that’s insane.  How could I see it coming when the whole point is that it’s a surpri–

Guy #1 & Guy #2:  CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

Co-worker:  Isn’t the whole point of this that it’s “Ice”?  The can isn’t even close to the same size as a bottle of–

Guy #1 & Guy #2:  CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

Co-worker:  This doesn’t smell very good–

Guy #1 & Guy #2:  CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!

(He chugs)

Co-worker:  ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!

Guy #1:  Bro!  You are now ine-BRO-ated!

Guy #2:  You resisted, but in the end you were BRO-ken!

Guy #1:  BRO down to the masters!

Guy #2:  By subjugating you we expressed our suppressed BRO-mosexual feelings–

Co-worker: Shut up shut up SHUT UP!  You two are complete MORONS!  The whole joke about Bros Icing Bros is supposed to be making someone drink something disgusting that’s well-known for being gross, in a public place!  There’s nobody here but us, and you didn’t even get a drink ANYONE HAS HEARD OF!  The only part you got right is that is completely revolting!  It tastes like someone took Country Time and Jack Daniel’s, boiled them in a coffee pot for four hours until the alcohol and sugar were gone, and then poured them in a can of Coke!  The only thing that was good about this experience is that I could SHUT you idiots UP and there isn’t any more of that stuff LEFT.

(opens the cupboard to get a coffee cup)

Guy #1:  BRO, ICED BRO!

Guy #2:  BROOOOO!

Co-worker:  Bastards.

  • http://Thespitefulchef.blogspot.com Kristie

    I…wow…I don’t even… I mean, wow.

  • http://www.aperfectversionofmyself.wordpress.com Tara

    Please tell me those gentlemen are not friends of yours?

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      They’re not friends, no.

      THEY’RE BROS, BRO!

  • TampaBeeAtch

    That made my freakin’ day BRO! You so perfectly captured pretty much what went through my head when I first heard about this ‘phenomenon’. Brilliant Mike, simply brilliant. You are the anti-BRO and thus, my hero.

  • Jan

    Good god. I am thankfully an ocean distanced from this “phenomenon” and had no idea it existed. This is really a thing?