What Not to Drink This Week: One-Act Play About Bros Edition, bro!
Guy #1: Bro!
Guy #2: BRO!
Guy #1: Bro, this is going to be totally awesome, guy. Like, we are going to be part of the national phenomenon! BROS ICING BROS, BRO!
Guy #2: BRO! Totally. No-one except several thousand others have thought of trying this, bro! We must seek out our victim with care!
Guy #1: What about… (pauses in the act of thought)
Guy #2: Bro?
Guy #1: …
Guy #2: Bro?
Guy #1: …
Guy #2: Bro?
Guy #1: …
(several minutes pass in this manner)
Guy #1: …I am STUMPED, bro!
Guy #2: Jeez, yeah, me too.
(co-worker enters the coffee area)
Guy #1: BEHOLD! Our first victim!
Guy #2: BEHOLD! Like, YEAH!
Co-worker: …excuse me?
Guy #1: (produces a can of Jack Daniel’s Lemonade Whiskey Beverage and hands it to Co-worker)
YOU JUST GOT ICED, BRO!
Guy #2: HA HA HA, SWEET!
Co-worker: …what the hell? Who are you guys?
Guy #1: Dude! ICED! It’s totally a bro thing between bros, guy! See, the rule is that when a bro slams you with a Smirnoff Ice–
Guy #2: JUST LIKE YOU GOT, YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!
Guy #1: –then you gotta take a knee and chug this whole thing!
Guy #2: And if you don’t then you’re no longer a BRO and we will SHUN YOU!
Guy #1: And if you do then you’re a wuss, because it’s a drink for chicks then that totally makes you a GAY!
Co-worker: This is ridiculous. First of all, it’s nine-thirty in the morning. Second, I can’t think of anything I’d want more from life than you shunning me. And finally, do you guys even work here? Since when could anyone wear flip-flops to the office?
Guy #2: Sounds like something a GAY would say, bro!
Co-worker: Please stop saying that.
Guy #1: What, “bro”? Does that sicken you? Because you’re totally not acting like one right now, GAY BRO?
Co-worker: No, please stop calling me “a gay.” I find it offensive, and a little confusing.
Guy #2: WHOA!
Guy #1: WHOAAA! Not cool! SO not cool!
Guy #2: Bro, this dude just said the words “a gay” in the workplace, bro! And implied that he’s offended by the thought of bros lovin’ on other bros, bro!
Guy #1: Seriously not a cool thing to say to the two TOTALLY AWESOMEST HUMAN RESOURCES INTERNS of the summer of 2010, bro! I– I think I feel our workplace turning toxic, bro!
Guy #2: I don’t know if I feel entirely safe coming to work any more, bro! Do you recall the online e-learning training module your Mom made us do when we got here this morning, bro? Something about being morally obligated to report any incidents of harassment?
Co-worker: Fine, FINE! What do I have to do?
Guy #1: DUDE! Guy, I knew you were a bro, bro. Take a knee and chug! CHUG IT ALL DOWN!
(hands him the can)
Co-worker: (reluctantly takes a knee) Wait a second, you said Smirnoff Ice. This is Jack Daniels in a can, mixed with lemonade. The word “ice” doesn’t even appear on it anywhere.
Guy #2: Bro. It’s, like, first thing in the morning. It’s not like we had a wide selection to choose from, guy.
Guy #1: Besides, dude, if we used Smirnoff Ice then you may have SEEN IT COMING! This way, BAM! TOTAL STEALTH!
Co-worker: But that’s insane. How could I see it coming when the whole point is that it’s a surpri–
Guy #1 & Guy #2: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!
Co-worker: Isn’t the whole point of this that it’s “Ice”? The can isn’t even close to the same size as a bottle of–
Guy #1 & Guy #2: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!
Co-worker: This doesn’t smell very good–
Guy #1 & Guy #2: CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG!
(He chugs)
Co-worker: ARRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!
Guy #1: Bro! You are now ine-BRO-ated!
Guy #2: You resisted, but in the end you were BRO-ken!
Guy #1: BRO down to the masters!
Guy #2: By subjugating you we expressed our suppressed BRO-mosexual feelings–
Co-worker: Shut up shut up SHUT UP! You two are complete MORONS! The whole joke about Bros Icing Bros is supposed to be making someone drink something disgusting that’s well-known for being gross, in a public place! There’s nobody here but us, and you didn’t even get a drink ANYONE HAS HEARD OF! The only part you got right is that is completely revolting! It tastes like someone took Country Time and Jack Daniel’s, boiled them in a coffee pot for four hours until the alcohol and sugar were gone, and then poured them in a can of Coke! The only thing that was good about this experience is that I could SHUT you idiots UP and there isn’t any more of that stuff LEFT.
(opens the cupboard to get a coffee cup)
Guy #1: BRO, ICED BRO!
Guy #2: BROOOOO!
Co-worker: Bastards.
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http://Thespitefulchef.blogspot.com Kristie
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http://www.aperfectversionofmyself.wordpress.com Tara
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TampaBeeAtch
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Jan