The Great FIFA 2010 Drinking Game, Rules 1 through 5

IMPORTANT NOTE:  We here at Choosy Beggars do not condone or encourage binge drinking.  Not only is it unhealthy, but binges squander valuable booze resources in a wasteful flurry, when they can be more fruitfully sustained throughout a day-long period.

For example, this coming weekend will offer viewers roughly 6 uninterrupted hours of World Cup of Football viewing — and, therefore, drinking — which to our minds seems like an excellent opportunity to start building a grand tradition:

THE GREAT WORLD CUP DRINKING GAME

It’s okay if you don’t care about soccer!  You probably do care about drinking, and if you aren’t really interested in that, then what about winning?  That’s right!  By combining alcohol, sports that can’t quite muster your interest and arbitrary rules, you can make absolutely any game fun — EVEN BASEBALL!

Drinking games make anything accessible, by taking weird idiosyncrasies and turning them into rules that you will absolutely HAVE to know in order to drink your way through the game PROPERLY.  Just as you may have chugged your way through action movies or Star Wars, gaining an involuntary understanding of them as you went, so too will you absorb the sport of football.

Here the Choosy Beggars present our first five rules of the DEFINITIVE WORLD CUP DRINKING GAME, to inspire you and begin your journey through the tournament:

RULE 1

  • DRINK:  A player falls down and clutches more than two places on his body as he fakes injury.
  • DOUBLE:  The referee deliberately turns his back on said faker, who immediately looks offended that anyone would doubt his pain.
  • TRIPLE:  The faker’s own teammates ignore him scornfully for wasting everyone’s time.

RULE 2

Larissa Riquelme

  • DRINK: The cameraman locates and zooms in on a sexy / busty / nearly naked woman in the crowd.
  • DOUBLE:  The cameraman returns to the same sexy / busty / nearly naked woman in the crowd more than twice.
  • TRIPLE:  The in-studio commentary team shows tender, lingering footage of the same sexy / busty / nearly naked woman in the crowd because she’s more compelling than the actual match.

RULE 3

  • DRINK: You cannot locate one competing team’s country on a map within 60 seconds.
  • DOUBLE:  You cannot locate either competing teams’ countries on a map within 60 seconds.
  • TRIPLE:  You cannot locate the host nation’s country on a map whatsoever.

RULE 4

  • DRINK:  The British commentary crew coldly dismiss a player as incompetent when he misses a shot.
  • DOUBLE:  The British commentary crew coldly dismiss a player as incompetent, despite the missed shot being an incredible overhead bicycle-kick helicopter thing that the soccer commentators could never do in their lives.
  • TRIPLE:  The British commentary crew coldly dismiss a player as incompetent despite the player actually scoring, due to what they feel was clearly blind, undeserved luck.

RULE 5

  • DRINK:  Any time a player receives a yellow card, for any reason.
  • DOUBLE:  Any time a player receives a yellow card, for no reason that anyone can possibly determine.
  • TRIPLE:  Any time a player receives a red card who totally deserves it, the rotten ankle-crushing fucker.

And there you have it, the first of many rules to help you, your friends, your family, your neighbors and the strange people you met at the bar at 7:30 in the morning for the Germany / Serbia game.

What are your drinking game rules for the tournament?  Share with us in the comments, and special bonus points for vuvuzela-related ones!

  • Quesadelia

    I’ve been watching the Cup on Univision, and the Spanish speaking commentators are awesome. If I drink every time they get excited (start speaking faster, raising pitch, etc), I’d be hammered within the first 20 min.
    Goooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaalllll!

  • http://Thespitefulchef.blogspot.com Kristie

    Now I really want to watch the match. You’ve made a foot…er (?) out of me! FAS be damned, I’m in.

  • bob

    How about drink everytime you hear one of those vuvuzelas?
    might make the game less painful to watch.

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  • shelley greenaway

    what about penalty shootouts?
    drink if the player misses
    double if it’s netherlands or italy
    triple if it’s england