Amnesia

Mad Scientist: AHHH HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAA-AAAawww, what am I laughing about?  What an absolutely, monumentally ATROCIOUS day!  The mutant octopi that I had spent so many months crafting into a force for PURE DESTRUCTION have instead opted for careers as cathedral organists, three of my henchman thoughtlessly absorbed the radiation I had intended for my arch-enemy, the maid service doesn’t cover sweeping up the corpses of radioactive half-raccoon henchmen, the weather forecast was wrong about its forecast for hellish storms of preternatural intensity, and to top it ALL OFF, I got coffee on my shirt and had to wear it the WHOLE DAY.

This is a day I’d rather forget… aha, which gives my AMAZING MIND an incredible idea!  YES!  I shall craft a potion that shall grant me… SHORT-TERM AMNESIA!

Let’s see, this seems simple enough.  The short-term memory is merely a temporary storage site, even for a brain as highly-evolved as my own, and should be easily enough disrupted by the right combination of chemical compounds!  It should only take the most basic combination of hydroxyl functional groups, carbon, a bit of mixer and a garnish… yes, this should be no problem at all.

(shakes together various fluids, compounds and powders before quaffing deeply)

YES!  SOON I shall remember this SHITTY DAY no longer!  It’s memory will be obliterated from my–

–I… it… whew.  Has anyone else noticed how eerily groovy it’s gotten around here?  All these colors, as if the world around me is suddenly associated with a whole new set of meaning…

Oh damnation! Oh accursed fate!  OH BLOODY WEDNESDAYS!  Instead of amnesia, I’ve given myself synesthesia!  Even now my senses are crossing over!  I can taste my vocal rantings!  I can smell the color of the candlelight!  I can see the color of my fury!  DID YOU KNOW FURY WAS ORANGE?

Though this is funky and actually somewhat delightful — aha! The color of emotional acceptance is green, evidently — it gains me no progress against obliterating the memory of this day!  And yet even now my enhanced senses allow me to detect, through the scent of delicious popcorn, my error.  This time I shall meet success!

(mixes the potion again, this time adjusting quantities slightly, and drinking deeply once more)

BEHOLD!  My genius cannot be questioned–

Oh good Lord, now look at that!  My shirt is RUINED!  What could have happened here?

(looks at test tube)

CURSES!  Instead of the properties of amnesia, I’ve absorbed the properties of gymnasia!  My physical being has been transformed into some kind of monstrous, horrific, mis-shapen… hhmmm!  WELL shapen, now that I look at it!

(checks out arms, flexes)

Why, this really isn’t too awful at all, come to think of it.  And these super-durable purple pants I designed seem to have come through the tripling of my body size without any ill effects, which is rather a bonus if I do say so.  And wouldn’t you know!  Now my entire being is suffused with green!  It would appear that this no-good day is turning out somewhat for the better!  I’ll have no need of my useless henchmen after this, and just LET them make me wait in line down at the electrical supply store now!

I feel like celebrating!

(sloshes two previous potions together)

All’s well that ends well!

GRARRR!  WHAT HAPPEN!

ME NO FIND SOUNDS TO SAY LIKE USED!  NOT-HARD THOUGHT IS HARD TO GET OUT!  HARD THOUGHT IS EXTRA-HARD TO GET OUT!

ARRRGGGGHHH!  DRINK NO HAPPY WOO HOO DRINK!  DRINK IS APHASIA DRINK, NOT AMNESIA DRINK!

RARRRRRRRR!  BUNCH OF BULLSHIT!

(sloshes all the remaining compounds together)

MAY AS WELL DRINK ALL DRINK, DAY GOING SO CRAPPO!

(shakes together ingredients at random)

WHAT POINT ANYWAY!  CAN’T EVER WIN!  ALWAYS WORD-PLAY DEFEATING ME!

(quaffs deeply)

WHAT HAPPEN NOW?  NOT ME WHO CARES, NO!  HARDLY MATTER–

Oh, good Lord… what– where am I?  What’s going on?  My shirt!  My tie!  My splendid goggles!  All ruined, and me lying flat on the ground in nothing but these idiotic elastic pants — why I ever invented these, I’ll never know!

Whatever in the world happened here?  On top of everything, it looks as though those moronic henchmen of mine have been rooting through my special compounds and tinctures!  After they so rudely absorbed all the radiation that I’d worked so hard to produce, too.  It’s not like Russia has an unlimited supply of weaponized plutonium after all, but try to get those idiots to understand that.

And after I so generously mutated them from normal, run-of-the-mill firefighters and police officers into monstrously powerful half-raccoon men.  Some near-people have no appreciation, honestly.

Ohhh, that’s bringing it back — the last thing I remember are those ungrateful octopi, stealing one of my cars and heading off to Cologne to start their musical career.  What an insult!  After all I’d done to elevate them from the squalor of the ocean floor to the height of the evolutionary ladder, and all they want to do is express themselves!  Shameful, I say.

My word, what a horrible day.  If only there were some way to simply wipe it from my mind!  I… AH-HA!  Once again my genius prevails:

Amnesia

Amnesia is the cocktail you produce to obliterate not only other cocktails, but also the memory of other cocktails, and potentially several hours in the lives of your party guests.  This is a drink that should be prepared with alternating measures of caution and reckless enthusiasm, because it tastes great and will WRECK YOU.

In a tall tumbler, mug or pint glass filled with ice, measure:

  • 1 part white rum
  • 1 part vodka
  • 1 part tequila
  • 1 part gin
  • 1 part triple sec
  • 3 parts lime juice from concentrate, mixed at double-strength (i.e. when the instructions call for 4 cups of water, use 2)

Stir the mixture with enthusiasm, and finish with a can of Sprite (or the diet equivalent) until the glass is full.  The result should be mad science green, and believe us when we say the rest of your day will fade into a faint echo by the time you get to the bottom of this surprisingly drinkable potion.

Sometimes we have a day we’d rather forget, and for those days, we give you Amnesia.

  • Erica

    I heart you big-big, Mike. If only I had a well stocked liquor cabinet (and hired help), I would have my butler whip me up one of those posthaste.

    …or maybe I’ll just detour to the LCBO on the way home. Amnesia sounds miiiiiiighty fine. If I drink two, will yesterday go away?

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      If you drink two, a whole lot of things will go away. Cares, concerns, personal accessories… all will simply fly free.

      I, of course, will not disclose how many I have consumed in one night. I think it borders upon the illegal, if not the immoral.

  • JennyM

    Something tells me the effect of drinking one of these is rather like having your brains smashed out by a slice of lemon wrapped around a large gold brick.

    Holy cats.

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      If there weren’t already so many recipes for the Pan Galactic Gargle Blaster out there on the internet, I’d have totally tried to claim this one as it.

      But the hangovers are better.

  • http://www.aperfectversionofmyself.wordpress.com Tara

    First of all, everyone knows the colour of rage to be lemon yellow. Duh.

    Second – this cocktail would knock me on my ass after the first sip. I’ll remember to make it on moving day.

    • http://www.choosy-beggars.com Mike

      Ha! I originally wrote yellow! I changed it to orange because I for some reason thought yellow would be offensive.

      I am strange.

      • http://www.aperfectversionofmyself.wordpress.com Tara

        There is nothing MORE offensive than bright, shiny, lemon yellow. That’s why it’s the colour of pure hatred and rage.

        If you’re strange, then I must be too because I self-censor on dumb things all the time and then realize that no one would have cared.

  • Jason

    What was that video you posted about your stomach being a party and how many guests it takes before they’re all booted out on their ear? Then I start thinking… I do have most of these ingredients at home.

    Cerebral Darwinism: killing all the weak brain cells so only the strong survive!

  • Tim

    Well, I’ve found my birthday drink this year!