Satan’s Drink of the Week: El Diablo
Behold me and DESPAIR! For I am the KING OF LIES, the GREAT DECEIVER! I am the BEAST, the TERROR, the GREAT ADVERSARY!
Yes, it is indeed I, SATAN! You may have thought me BANISHED to the NETHER REGIONS of when THIS WEBSITE used to write more articles with CHARACTERS IN THEM, but KNOW YOUR FOLLY! DARE you presume to know better than the INFERNAL FORCES of DAMNATION? PRIDE is a MORTAL SIN, and already you have fallen INTO MY CLUTCHES!
TREMBLE, puny being, as you face the MOST EVIL PRESENCE in your TINY WORLD!
INDEE– wait, NO! Think you that something as PETTY as endless AMBITION and the PITILESS pursuit of wealth dare to compare with my TERRIBLE MENACE? What could any PUNY MORTAL hope to ever accomplish on the scale of my RELENTLESS EVIL?
I mean, I KEEP UP WITH THE NEWS (sorry for the LINK, but ETERNAL DAMNATION means that using BING is MANDATORY), and when all is said and done, I HAVE TO GIVE MY PROPS. It is not as though some seriously AWFUL SHIT has taken place here, without my SUPERVISION — and BELIEVE ME, had WE KNOWN that all it would take is CHEAP NEWSPAPERS and EXPENSE ACCOUNTS to plumb the DARKEST DEPTHS of human morals, we would not have invested in so many SERPENTS AND FRUIT TREES.
LIVE and LEARN! LIVE ETERNALLY in TORMENT and LEARN the EXTENT OF HORROR one can ENDURE, I suppose.
BUT ANYWAY, look beyond such INSTRUCTIVE EVIL to behold my most DEVIOUS ACHIEVEMENT yet! Dare you attempt to IMAGINE WHAT IS IN STORE?
TREMBLE IN FEAR AS I– huh? What does UNINFORMED POLITICAL BRINKSMANSHIP have to do with my HEINOUS PLAN to unwind HUMAN CIVILIZATION?
SERIOUSLY? This is really PUSHING IT if you ASK ME, not that anyone EVER DOES. And don’t even GET ME STARTED on the sorts of QUESTIONS I GET during BLACK MASS, because they absolutely DON’T COUNT. Here is a PROTIP FROM SATAN: There are EASIER WAYS to make a GIRL LIKE YOU than SLAUGHTERING A GOAT during the NEW MOON. We both have BETTER THINGS TO DO.
It’s really TIMES LIKE THIS that a malevolent SPIRIT FROM BEYOND starts to question what his ROLE IN THE UNIVERSE actually is. What’s the point of crafting INFINITELY SUBTLE plans to sow LASTING DISCORD among petty mortals when you’re just going to DO YOUR BEST to introduce ENDLESS HORROR into your own lives? Makes me wonder why I bothered to be CAST DOWN INTO HELLFIRE in the FIRST PLACE.
No, no, I don’t want your LYRICAL SYMPATHY. Apparently I’m just so OLD-FASHIONED that I thought releasing a PLAGUE OF HEAT would be enough to UNDO MANKIND. Who knew that you were READING AHEAD on me? It’s my OWN FAULT, so what if I just MAKE IT UP to you?
BEHOLD, the TRADITIONAL EL DIABLO cocktail! I don’t mind telling you, it’s PRETTY GREAT! The tasty PEPPER of tequila, the SWEET of black currant, and the TANG of fresh lime — if there is one potion to UNDO MY UNHOLY INFLUENCE, it is this one! And considering the TRULY SCREWED-UP JUNK that is going on, take this one on SATAN’S RECOMMENDATION.
The El Diablo
- 1 cold shaker, filled with ice
- To the shaker, add 2 ounces of TEQUILA
- To the tequila and ice, add 1/2 ounce of CREME DE CASSIS for color and sweetness
- To the mixture, now add 1/2 ounce of LIME JUICE for tart balance
- Shake with VIGOR! As one does whenever one is combining BOOZE and FRUIT JUICE! Men: WHILST SHAKING, remember your loneliest moments in YOUR HIGH SCHOOL YEARS! Women: Imagine your men at their loneliest moments in THEIR HIGH SCHOOL YEARS!
- Now strain over fresh ice in a rocks glass,
- And top up the glass with GINGER ALE
Is there ANY BETTER WAY to beat the terrible APPARENTLY POINTLESS HEAT that is having an AT-BEST PERIPHERALLY NEGATIVE influence on your day? I think NOT! And why not enjoy TWO OR THREE… only to find yourself… comfortably DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS?
MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH! Got you!
EVIL prevails once MORE!