THIS SNACK ROCKS: Kraft Whipped Peanut Butter

Everyone go and buy Kraft Whipped Peanut Butter right now.  If you don’t, there’s a possibility that the product might not be seen as the triumph it clearly is, and it will disappear to live on the Island of Lost Snacks, with the Orange McDonald’s shakes and all those children’s cereals that were made entirely of small cookies.

Nobody is paying me to say this, I didn’t get any free samples sent to our house (NOTE:  I would love it if someone sent me free samples of this product to our house — I promise that it is fairly unlikely that I will hijack your Whipped Peanut Butter Delivery Truck), and there is absolutely no agenda at work here.  This is just a jar of peanut butter that you should buy, and then eat, and then spend many weeks trying to locate again.  It is that good.

It looks like this.  Study the image, because it may just save your life*:

*Note:  Not all lives may depend on eating delicious peanut butter, but maybe they should.

Now look, I’m not a Product Development person.  I cannot imagine what a day in the life of Product Developers might be like, except that ample evidence points me to a job where one spends endless hours trying to dream up new ways to package the same old stuff.  Perhaps there are also manacles involved, chaining one to a desk as a large man with a cigar roars about being more creative.

Product Developer:  Please, sir… we’ve already suggested bagels that work like Twinkies and cookies that taste like other desserts… can’t we please rest?

Boss Man:  No!  We’ve got a whole new fall line to release, and we aren’t going to do it with bagel-winkies!  Now, let’s see — what have we done with ketchup lately?

Product Developer 2:  We’ve made it spicy, added basil to it, done a light version, and put retro stickers on the bottle.  The only thing left is to do all four of those at once, but every time we try, it collapses into a black portal to a hellish otherworld.

Boss Man:  And nobody likes tainted grilled cheese, I get you.  Cheese, though, there’s something there… what have we done with that?

Product Developer:  Not a lot.  “Kiddie Brie” has been locked up ever since the government of France filed an injunction against us.

Boss Man:  I still think there’s an angle there… maybe we’ve got it wrong.  Maybe we need to be more playful.  What do kids like to play with?

Product Developer 2:  Themselves?

Boss Man:  Therapy is covered under our benefits; look into it.  No, they like fun things — animals and whatever, like cats.  They like cats… they are like cats.  Cats like string, kids like cats, kids like cheese… cheese should be like string!

Product Developer:  I genuinely do not know how you come up with these things.

Boss Man:  It’s a talent.  Now, get to work on cheese that is also string, pronto!

It’s so much easier to just retread the same old stuff with a new twist (Frank’s Red Hot, with jalapeno!  All Bran, with a different kind of fibre!  Canada Dry, with cranberry and further ginger!) that is a genuine shock to see a product that actually improves on the original — and more amazing still, an original as fundamental as peanut butter.

Stop and consider, for a moment, every variety of peanut butter out there that has been released since you were little:  the extra-crunchy, the extra-smooth, the low-fat, the no-fat, the natural, the no-salt and no-sugar… all of them sad variations on the simple goodness of a staple that has, in so many ways, been perfect since the first time you had it.  Remember that day that your parents brought home the “real” peanut butter from the bulk food store, and you didn’t know what else to do but cry rather than eat it?  That child is still inside you, weeping as though betrayed whenever you pick up the low-sodium jar, and you know it.

No, in truth the only argument you’ve ever had about peanut butter is which texture is superior:  chunky or smooth.  Indeed, outside of a peanut butter debate, the only more poisonous way to destroy a family is to seduce them into an Uno tournament… until now.

Now, there is Whipped.

Imagine smooth peanut butter, but with the following additional properties:

  1. It is less dense, and therefore can be spread across any surface (i.e. bread that has not been sitting on your counter for a week, but could indeed be described as — without any charity or pity — fresh) without tearing or shredding it.
  2. This includes the two slices of toast that you have worked so hard to perfect, when you craved hot toast and peanut butter just now in the middle of a movie, without mashing it into dust.
  3. I really want toast and peanut butter right now, excuse me a moment.
  4. Okay, what was I saying?  Oh right:  By virtue of being more spreadable, it is also infinitely more scoopable, whether by celery or Ritz cracker or breadstick or finger.
  5. You can therefore imagine how it is WAY easier to bake with, especially when it comes to making icings.  Anyone who has ever attempting to work peanut butter into a batter or (ugh) a cheesecake will know what I am talking about.
  6. Yet despite all of this, Kraft Whipped peanut butter has about 20% fewer calories per serving, at 70 per tablespoon compared to 90 for Kraft’s regular option.
  7. And better yet, the same holds when you compare it to their healthy and abominably salt/sugar/fat free options, making it approximately 100,000 times better.

To put it simply:  What if I could offer you a peanut butter that will never ruin your efforts at a quick sandwich, will always make the perfect vehicle for dipping snacks, and is actually less bad for you than even the yucky healthy options out there?

Now, it has come to my attention that perhaps not everyone has access to this product (such as:  AMERICA).  If that is indeed the case, may I recommend the following course of action:

  • Visit Canada!  We’re nice!  Toronto is pleasant between about May and August; Vancouver is sickeningly nice most of the time; Montreal tends to embarrass us both by how interesting it is.
  • Buy this peanut butter, and bring it home.  It’s peanut butter!  You don’t need to put it in your carry-on.  If it leaks on your baggage, you will only have delicious clothes.
  • Then:  Ration it carefully, but enjoy it thoroughly.  Is it The Best Peanut Butter?  That is a question, as noted above, not worth tearing your family and friendships apart over.  Better to enjoy good times with peanut butter that doesn’t break your crackers, right?
  • Also:  Complain to Kraft that AMERICA (and perhaps other parts of the world) deserve their Whipped Peanut Butter.  Actually, disregard this step because you will have already taken it.
  • Visit Canada again!  We’re nice!
  • And so on!

For anyone else who does see this on the shelf, I cannot recommend more strongly that you pick it up.  At best, you will enjoy with the same reckless enthusiasm all the benefits that I have described above; at worst, you will discover the best quality diet peanut butter available today.  In either case, it is a purchase worth making, and then rambling about at length to anyone who will listen.

Rating:  Five peanuts out of five

  • mlp

    I object to the classification of peanut butter as a snack.  It is a food group, thank you very much.
    In France I cannot find any Kraft Peanut Butter.  Woe. 

    • Anonymous

      Point taken. Other classificiations for PB: a state of mind; a thick vitamin; a blood type.

  • Tara

    I think (correct me if I’m wrong) that this peanut butter has less calories because they’ve removed some of the peanuts and replaced it with sugar (carbs have less calories than fat).

    That might make it lower-cal and lower-fat that regular peanut butter, but it doesn’t make it better for you!

    Again, I might be wrong.  And I’m also one of thoes crazy folks who buys natural peanut butter AND ENJOYS IT!

    • Anonymous

      @openid-126863:disqus, you’re probably right.  I actually think any caloric benefits are wholly offset by the fact that I eat twice as much of this stuff as any other peanut butter.

      However, I will say it’s a lot harder to meet you in the middle on the natural stuff. It tastes for all the world like a mouthful of peanuts that someone else has already chewed, and not a whole lot else.

    • Ghorvath

      Pretty sure that the “whipped” means it has fewer calories per tablespoon because there is less peanut butter and more *air* in each spoon. Still sounds yummy, though. I am in Canada and have seen it on the shelf but had no idea it was a special edition.

      • Anonymous

        Sort of like how whipped butter is less actual butter occupying the same volume, right?  And therefore more spreadable.

        I don’t know if it’s a special edition or maybe just a test market.  Either way, I think the important thing is that everyone buys more of it and less of the godforsaken zero-salt/zero-sugar kinds.  That way lies madness.

  • Hellcat13

    I’m with Ghorvath. I think it’s the density issue – more air makes for less actual peanut butter per tablespoon. I’ve been hesitant to bake/cook with it for this reason. One more reason our recipes need to feature weights rather than measures.

    That said, this resides in my cupboard for Ritz cracker dipping. I like natural peanut butter when I’m planning jam or honey on my toast. Regular peanut butter for baking and plain on toast. (Yes, I have three types of peanut butter with three specific purposes.)

    • Anonymous

       Wow.  We’ve got 3 kinds of peanut butter too, but only because two of them are healthy options I refused to eat, and Tina finally knuckled under.

  • Erica Grossman

    Wow. The power of suggestion just made me get up and make toast with peanut butter. Only it was my pathetic gluten free bread and it wasn’t actually peanut butter, it was cashew butter. Which is decent enough, but still not peanut butter. At least I can still have bilberry jam.
    I do wish we had it here just so I could try it. It’s fluffy peanut butter *of the future*!

    • Anonymous

      Proof positive that miracles CAN happen. Keep hope alive, nerds!

  • Lauren

    I keep seeing this on the shelf and keep passing it by. No longer. I will buy some today.

    • Anonymous

      Today is the day. SPECIAL TIP: salted breadsticks that have been first dipped in Nutella go VERY well with this product.

  • Lauren

    This stuff is amazing. Kind of like crack.

    • choosybeggarmike

      Truly you are one of us now.

  • Kendra Mellifera

    I spied this on a shelf in my corner store and immediately thought “that is clearly a ploy for Big Peanut Butter to sell me a jar for the same price but with 30% more air”; but I am admittedly always saddened when my peanut butter gnarls up my beautiful toast… Perhaps I will give in

    • choosybeggarmike

      Truly there are worse temptations to give into — you could buy low-calorie Nutella.

  • Susan

    Well, I finally relented and bought some. I have now had fluffy peanut butter with banana’s for 4 days straight and it is quite lovely.

  • Pike

    I recognize this post was made a while ago, but you could also make this at home fairly easily. And this product can go the way of all other attempts to make more money and sell less actual stuff. Hopefully.

    The posters who noted that the peanut butter would have less calories / be a ploy to sell you less peanut butter are right. The two cheapest ingredients to add are air and water. They also try to sell you less peanut butter by concaving the bottom of the jar so that way you 1) get less peanut butter and 2) cannot get all the peanut butter out, so 3) you get to buy peanut butter much sooner because you got less peanut butter and couldn’t use it all.

    To make whipped peanut butter at home, just warm up the peanut butter until it’s soft, not melted, and then take a whisk to it. Or a fancy kitchen machine if you have one. I bought a whisk. Then hide the peanut butter from your peanut hating boyfriend. (He doesn’t have an allergy or anything like that. He claims he doesn’t like the taste, he’s just wrong.)