Raw Capitalism, Part 1 – Booze
I enjoy many responsibilities here at Choosy Beggars Heavy Manufacturing Concern & Content Production Facility Inc. LLC, many of which are rather a good time. For example, did you know that along with being generally tasked with understanding how this internet-webtron technology works, I am also responsible for cleaning up both all of the pots and all of the pans that Tina uses over the course of making a bowl of cereal (insider’s tip: it can be up to seven!)?
Or that in testing the recipes that Tina prepares, which often serve six to eight people but always need to be eaten the night they’re made, the portions I consume can be measured both horizontally and vertically?
Or that self-pity is a really great way to kick off a Friday article?
It’s all true!
But sometimes I am asked to turn to the tedious business of keeping the lights on around here, and ensuring that our little enterprise continues to delight the palettes and expand the waistlines of all our dear readers. So I figure that as we enter into our second year, we expand into the raw creative enterprise that will help us:
- take the website to the next level
- bring a whole new fun experience to our growing cult of loyal readers
- help us to sell some stuff and defer the massive expenses I incur every time I “research” some “beverages” at the “liquor store.”
So to that end, thanks to our fabulously talented designer Chris, I’ll be slowly introducing some designs of potential accessories, garb and print items that we’re considering putting into production. I only ask for your honest feedback in the comments, to see whether this is something you’d consider offering up your beautiful, beautiful dollars to have. Then we can get on with making sure that it’s the kind of incredibly awesome thing that, when people stop you in the street after seeing you with it and demand high-fives to share in the joy, you can feel proud of.
And since it’s Friday, which is traditionally a booze-related day around here… I figured I might as well stick with the theme and offer our first series of liquor-themed shirts:
We’ve all had those nights.
It’s raining outside, and there’s laundry that needs doing. Somehow at the end of the last meeting, in the last hour, on the last day of work this week, everything went from being carefully-ordered to a complete shit show. You stepped in a mud puddle with one foot, and on your cat’s tail with the other. The only things in the fridge are some ketchup and what is a jar of either roasted red peppers, or maraschino cherries that have turned to evil.
The martini shaker is in your hands before you know it. And back again, just in time for the marathon of a show you’ve never before seen on TLC, but is now the only way you can imagine spending the rest of your night. And back still a few more times, when you come snuffling back to the kitchen for more supplies.
At some point, everything is beautiful and sad and excellent and awful at the same time — it doesn’t matter, they’re all the same, as though you’re balanced on one toe on top of a pyramid… and then you see it. A mythical creature, emerging from the mists of your clouded vision, glittering magnificently at you and nodding its mystical horn, promising adventure and grand times. Is it nodding its head at your glass, noting with equine sorrow that you have somehow let it stand empty? Is it exhorting you to refill it, as though somehow the olive has grown lonely? Or is it just that you took your contacts out and that’s actually the cat?
Better have another one, just to be safe.
Canadian Beer Critic
It’s ironic that a Canadian is responsible for the institution of the Peacekeepers, soldiers whose duty is to maintain peace rather than perpetuate conflict. This is because our nation is also heavily responsible the world’s supply of Beer Snobs, who seem dedicated on exactly the opposite — though we are not the greatest consumers of beer in the world by far, you would never know it by the way we talk about it.
Beer pervades every aspect of Canadian culture, from film to music to multimedia. Even in basic industry, beer seems to have cornered the market before anyone else could figure it out — for example, when Ontario’s liquor board wanted to introduce the concept of returning wine and liquor bottles for a deposit, they actually just started directing consumers towards the Beer Store to do it. Why? Aside from the fact that the Beer Store was recycling glass bottles long before Captain Planet ever told us it was a good idea, it was simply assumed that:
- Every Ontario town and city has several accessible Beer Stores
- and everyone knows where they are.
And this, in fact, is largely true.
So when we Canadians venture out onto the international stage, it’s hardly any wonder that we’re challenged to talk about our passion for beer. What makes us such great critics of the beverage? How can we say which is better than what? On what basis can we claim to be such experts?
To which we, as Canadians, say: Buy us a pint and we’ll show you. Go on, we’ll wait. Preferably something on tap, if that’s all right.
And if you keep ’em coming, we’ll be happy to talk about beer all night.
Vodka for the People
The Russians know a thing or two about a thing or two, there’s no doubt.
Land war during wintertime? You betcha; training sexy tennis players to emit throaty vocal grunts? Absolutely; cornering the market on mail order brides? Don’t even get me started.
But more than anything, the Russians know how to make vodka — and have perfected it to the point where it is not only an excellent liquor, but a moral and political argument. Oh sure, there may be other nations who claim a variety of liquor as their own, but they are all steeped in the blood of colonialism and monarchy.
Rum? Enjoy the lingering flavor of perpetuating the slave trade and the subjugation of the Caribbean, if you can. (Preferably with lime and a light cola.)
Gin? How does the suicidal alcoholism of a hundred thousand working class Londoners taste, anyway? (Especially if it’s with a twist of lime and soda, served at just over zero celcius on a hot day.)
No, the Russians will take a liquor whose very object is the total denial of flavor, thank you all the same. Why dally with the burned sugar of a rum or the juniper-jaw-clenching of a gin, when you can focus your energy on the purest delivery of refined liquor? Why pretend that how it tastes is the object of alcohol, when it is a mere distraction from the true purpose of staying warm, loosening up and having a really good time while waiting six months for the sun to come up?
Flavor is decadent. Vodka is for the people.
Tell us what you think
…by sharing your feedback in the comments. Different designs? Different colors? What would you like to see from us, and would these tickle your fancy?