Safety Tips for St. Patrick’s Day Weekend

St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and while it doesn’t officially happen until Wednesday, we know that there will be many establishments looking to get the party started early.

With that in mind, we at Choosy Beggars want to help you ensure that you enjoy the holiday weekend properly.   With these simple tips, we’ll ensure that you have a safe, happy holiday while still guaranteeing that you make a drunken ass of yourself.

Because we care.

  • Make sure that any haggis you consume is from a reputable source.  It is all to easy to find yourself eating the ground remains of even less desirable parts of a sheep, zoo animal or local panhandler.
  • If a stranger approaches offering to give you a “temporary tattoo”, ensure that they are using a licensed, brand-authorized rub-on and are not simply waiting to go hog-wild on someone with a green marker.
  • St. Patrick’s beer is achieved through the simple mixture of green food coloring and your favorite non-stout brew.  Should there be no food coloring in evidence, then you have bigger problems than solving this particular mystery.

  • In the current political climate, it is not acceptable to chase leprechauns and demand access to their pot of gold.  The appropriate term is “little people”, and while the majority of them likely enjoy greater wealth than you, it gives you no right to “toss” them.
  • In the current political climate, it is not acceptable to demand “nips and mash” from bar employees at the top of your voice.
  • In the current political climate, it is not acceptable to order an “Irish Car Bomb.”  They are now generally referred to as, “I’m so sorry, my friend has never thrown up on a bar before (dude, you threw up on the bar, that’s awesome).”

  • DO NOT believe men in green plastic bowler hats who urge you to close your eyes and “kiss the Blarney.”  Their intentions are impure.
  • Designated drivers are easily bored, increasingly vindictive people with hours of time on their hands and nothing to do but record your every drunken transgression.  Book a taxi in advance, instead.
  • Are you a server or bartender? Then you know St. Patrick’s is the second-busiest night of the year — wall-to-wall humans, drunks everywhere, the same four jolly songs playing over and over, green eyeshadow running down your cheeks, and hands in numerous places they have no right to be.  Are you a customer?  Read the previous passage, and keep it in mind when it’s time to leave your tip.  THEY WILL REMEMBER YOU.

Erin Go Bragh, everybody!

  • Tom

    Why would you eat Haggis on an Irish holiday??

    • Mike

      Why not? It’s only folklore that it’s a Scottish.

      Also: this is a joke article about Gaelic people, so I try not to worry about details.

  • mirinblue

    Really funny! Thanks…

  • Kristie

    Three years ago, in what I’m now morosely calling “the before time,” I drank 13 Irish car bombs in one St. Patrick’s Day. And I didn’t even throw up. It turns out (and has turned out many, many times) that I am a total savant of car bombs. Or any chugging competition, really. And I get fiercely, aggressively competitive about it the drunker I get. So that’s fun. God I want an Irish car bomb right now.

  • Molly

    Not strictly relevant (except insofar as St. Patrick’s Day relates to beer, which… yeah, okay) and I hope I’m not insulting you by implying your culinary network/mad skills are insufficient if you already know about this, but being in Canada I figured there was an excellent chance you didn’t, and, well, you should. Beggars, it’s Strawberry Season.

    You’re welcome.