Safety Tips for St. Patrick’s Day Weekend
St. Patrick’s Day is right around the corner, and while it doesn’t officially happen until Wednesday, we know that there will be many establishments looking to get the party started early.
With that in mind, we at Choosy Beggars want to help you ensure that you enjoy the holiday weekend properly. With these simple tips, we’ll ensure that you have a safe, happy holiday while still guaranteeing that you make a drunken ass of yourself.
Because we care.
- Make sure that any haggis you consume is from a reputable source. It is all to easy to find yourself eating the ground remains of even less desirable parts of a sheep, zoo animal or local panhandler.
- If a stranger approaches offering to give you a “temporary tattoo”, ensure that they are using a licensed, brand-authorized rub-on and are not simply waiting to go hog-wild on someone with a green marker.
- St. Patrick’s beer is achieved through the simple mixture of green food coloring and your favorite non-stout brew. Should there be no food coloring in evidence, then you have bigger problems than solving this particular mystery.
- In the current political climate, it is not acceptable to chase leprechauns and demand access to their pot of gold. The appropriate term is “little people”, and while the majority of them likely enjoy greater wealth than you, it gives you no right to “toss” them.
- In the current political climate, it is not acceptable to demand “nips and mash” from bar employees at the top of your voice.
- In the current political climate, it is not acceptable to order an “Irish Car Bomb.” They are now generally referred to as, “I’m so sorry, my friend has never thrown up on a bar before (dude, you threw up on the bar, that’s awesome).”
- DO NOT believe men in green plastic bowler hats who urge you to close your eyes and “kiss the Blarney.” Their intentions are impure.
- Designated drivers are easily bored, increasingly vindictive people with hours of time on their hands and nothing to do but record your every drunken transgression. Book a taxi in advance, instead.
- Are you a server or bartender? Then you know St. Patrick’s is the second-busiest night of the year — wall-to-wall humans, drunks everywhere, the same four jolly songs playing over and over, green eyeshadow running down your cheeks, and hands in numerous places they have no right to be. Are you a customer? Read the previous passage, and keep it in mind when it’s time to leave your tip. THEY WILL REMEMBER YOU.
Erin Go Bragh, everybody!