5 Reasons We Are Buying – but in no way endorsing – Ron Jeremy’s Rum
It’s possible that you were born in the last twenty-five years, and therefore might have no awareness at all of who Ron Jeremy is, or why he may be interesting. Out of all eventualities, this is among the best reasons to have entered this world after 1986.
It is equally possible that you were born before the year that brought us Transformers: The Movie, but have led a good, healthy and productive life of the sort that would never have you cross paths with Ron Jeremy’s works — and would likely also involve you doing any number of other, better things with your time than watching Orgazmo (or, indeed, Transformers: The Movie).
In either case, you have done well right up until this point, because now you are on the web, where Ron Jeremy is basically inescapable.
Truly, were it not for the internet and its determined, dedicated foundation of permissive smuttiness, Jeremy may yet have passed into the twilight that awaits others of his ilk — specifically, cinematic porn stars of the 1970s with startling physical characteristics. But instead, Jeremy enjoys the kind of pop cultural recognition for which any number of present-day reality stars would kill (literally, if you could get away with that kind of thing on evening cable), despite the fact that a huge number of his fans have likely never seen him perform.
This is startling, considering that Jeremy has appeared in around two thousand pornographic films, a statistic so astonishing that it has actually earned him a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records. This is doubly astounding for the fact that, despite anything approaching logic, reason or good taste, the man is still at it.
Though at least he has the dignity to look a little embarrassed (and the kind heart not to go for the skin-tight TRON outfit) while he blows the illusion that the young woman in the foreground is — in fact — actually standing there ignoring him rather than being Photoshopped into the picture.
More importantly, Jeremy has sustained a long-standing campaign towards mainstream legitimacy for decades, even while continuing his traditional activities. This has involved numerous cameos in film, appearances “as himself” in innumerable TV shows and movies, the inevitable participation in reality shows, and even was the subject of a full-length documentary.
Despite all of this, we weren’t really forced to take notice of Ron Jeremy until the recent announcement that he would be producing his very own celebrity liquor, like so many esteemed Hollywood types have recently — including our most cherished favorite, Dan Aykroyd’s bugshit-crazy Crystal Skull Vodka. That was a prospect beyond our power to dismiss, one impossible for us to set aside, because it represents the apex of vanity distilling.
In short, we didn’t think it was possible to eclipse a paranoid supernatural vodka housed in a glass skull, but a porn star-themed rum named Ron De Jeremy may just be able to do it.
And here are our five reasons why:
1. The Commercial
The fact that it’s actually less sexually suggestive than most liquor commercials currently on TV actually makes it more endearing.
2. The name
“Do you know that ‘Ron’ means ‘rum’ in Spanish?”
Dear God, the man is right. That’s kind of a neat connection, until you start to really think about it, and then asking a few questions.
You know, ones like:
- Which came first, the liquor or the celebrity sponsor?
- Where during the creative marketing must someone have come up with the idea of the rum/ron angle?
- They went and made a bunch of rum because someone was screwing around with a Spanish/English dictionary, didn’t they?
So then the final product is a bottle with Ron de Jeremy on the label, which would have been hilarious enough if it were meaningless — but instead, it literally turns out to mean “the rum of Jeremy,” which is just delightful. Intentional or not, it is the most vain vanity label you could possibly ask for, and like so much of what Jeremy does in the mainstream, it is borderline (read: outright) parody.
3. The website
It’s actually pretty good. Considering the number of distillers who can barely muster up an online presence, or those whose sites are near-agony to even get through the horrid age verification, Ron de Jeremy‘s site is a brave new world.
But, naturally it has to be. It’s not like retailers are going to be lining up to stock this, and the entire site is built around little (relatively PG) interactive experiences and winky-winky weiner jokes. There’s just enough innuendo to remind everyone why Ron Jeremy is involved, but not so much that it’ll be truly off-putting to anyone.
And even if it is, the whole point is that it’s all a bit of a joke. Yes, you can choose between three women who will suggestively made a pretty standard rum cocktail for you; yeah, Jeremy’s going to make a bunch of double entendres about smoothness and nakedness or whatever. That’s the gag — the rich media, easily-Twittered, share-to-Facebookable joke that’s going to help move the product.
4. The shelf value
Here is something that you are likely never to hear — or find yourself saying — in your life:
“Oh wow, is that Bruce Willis’ celebrity-endorsed vodka? Where did you find that? Let’s discuss it at length!”
This is not because Bruce Willis is a bad person per se, nor that vodka is a topic that could consume minutes upon minutes at a comfortable party. Rather, it is that the conjunction of the two concepts is actually destructive: Bruce Willis becomes less interesting for having been associated with a vanity liquor; vodka becomes less interesting when discussed in conjunction with which celebrity chose to distill some of it. The more one attempts to force the two subjects together, the more hostile the ideas seem to the minds of those within earshot.
Even now, you’re feeling a little angry that I’m still talking about it, aren’t you? The next time Die Hard is on cable, you’ll find yourself looking at John McClane and thinking, “He kicks so much ass, it makes me feel like a… Belvedere and soda? God, TO HELL WITH THIS.” It’s okay. I know how it feels, we’ll stop now.
The important thing is, where your interest level between a Willis and a Belvedere may mutually annihilate to the point where you may never care about anything ever again, the opposite will be true with a Jeremy and his rum. Through the same mysterious properties that keep Ron Jeremy famous-and-yet-cash-strapped today, your party guests will be bemused enough by the story of the bottle to go through it more than once, without ever actually feeling compelled to drink the actual rum.
They get entertained; you keep the alcohol. That is win-win.
5. It is basically crazy
Because we should all have at least one item in our house that is fundamentally cool, unique and totally impossible to explain to most people without feeling embarrassed after only a few seconds.
“Oh, this? Yeah, it’s a bottle of liquor that was specially commissioned by a former porn star from the 1970s, based on a play on words with his first name. You know Ron Jeremy, don’t you? The Hedgehog, so nicknamed for the time he appeared on set after a shower and the considerable body hair on his frame was all standing on-end? Anyway, did you know that ron is rum in Spanish…
…where are you going, Mom?”
Ron De Jeremy is available for purchase in the US, where you’re allowed to by liquor over the internet, right now; for those of us in the rest of the world, pre-orders are available to call dibs on whatever we can. You had better believe that we are buying some, even if we can’t blame you for letting us take the lead.