It is so hot – Your heat-free menu for the weekend
So, so hot.
It is bullshit, get-me-angry kind of hot out there now, the kind that spawns less discomfort and more profound moral outrage. “Heat dome”? It sounds more like a lacrosse venue than a weather event, and my ass dome anyway, because I really don’t care what kind of phenomenon it is that makes my bedroom eighty thousand degrees. I just want it to stop.
This is like when reporters discovered the term El Ninõ for the first time, and used it so often to explain everything that it lost all meaning. These days even weather reporters are shy to refer to it, because it bores even them. Do you realize how completely played out a buzzword has to be before meteorologists will give up on it? These are people who can muster up enthusiasm for live remote reports from the State Fair, year in and year out.
“Looks like another amazing year of innovative ways to deep-fry common household foods, Bev and Ted! And we’ll get to enjoy them all weekend long thanks to a high pressure system being held in place by– oh God, no, I won’t say it. I WILL NOT.”
One more night like these, and this is how I’m going to look in the morning:
That’s right. That is practically a DOCUMENTARY ANIMATED GIF.
So while it’s too hot to actually write anything, particularly since Tina is up where there’s a lake she can roll around in at her leisure and I am trapped in the urban hellscape of Toronto wondering which streets will buckle under me as I walk on them, let me instead suggest what you’ll be having for tonight’s heat-free dinner:
Do you know what your main cooking vessel is for a ceviche? A refrigerator and a few hours of your time. Cool, flavorful and buttery, without ever coming close to something that produces vile, radiant heat.
Simple, clean, cool and satisfying. And if anyone accuses you of doing something a little too simple, you can look at them sympathetically and explain the intricacies of Middle Eastern seasoning. Or just eat their portion.
Okay, so perhaps not technically an entree, but once you’ve made a platter of these you won’t be likely to desire anything more. Mascarpone only works when it’s cold, but it holds delicious flavor and stands up more than ably against the salty goodness of the prosciutto (a.k.a. fancy bacon). It is entirely acceptable to sit with a plate of these and pick away, arresting your heat prostration with delicious, brain-nourishing fats.
You guys, we wouldn’t call something perfect unless it was pretty above-average. Trust me when I say that this is the cocktail that you want to be your co-pilot, the guy wildly looking out your back window of the F-15 that is your life and shouting, “THERE’S A SAD THOUGHT ON OUR TAIL! IT’S CLOSING IN! DRINK, MAN, DRINK!”
Look: It’s the summer, and I know we’re all supposed to be out enjoying life and grilling things. But occasionally nature just pushes us too far, and we’re better off just not turning the whole thing into a confrontation. If the world wants to be hot right now, that’s just fine — we can play it cool, and still enjoy our lives a little. It is possible to create food without creating heat, and it doesn’t take that much more effort to do it.
Stay cool, ya’ll. I’ll see you back here to complain about the rain and cold in a couple of weeks.